This informal CPD article, ‘How Childhood Messages Continue to Influence Adult Relationships and Communication’, was provided by Rukhsana Khan, Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor at Clear Thinking Minds, who provide workplace wellbeing and professional development training.
Many people assume that communication is simply a skill learned through experience, education, or professional development. While these factors certainly play an important role, Transactional Analysis (TA) suggests that many of our communication patterns begin much earlier in life (1).
From childhood, we receive messages from parents, caregivers, teachers, and other significant adults. These messages help us make sense of the world and often influence how we see ourselves, other people, and relationships. Some messages can be supportive and empowering, while others may become limiting beliefs that continue to affect us throughout adulthood (2).
Examples of common childhood messages include:
- Be strong
- Don't make mistakes
- Please others
- Don't show your feelings
- Work hard to be accepted
- Don't ask for help
Often these messages are not communicated directly. They may be learned through family dynamics, expectations, observations, or repeated experiences. Over time, they can become internal rules that influence behaviour and communication without us consciously realising it (2).
Understanding Childhood Messages Through Transactional Analysis
Transactional Analysis provides a useful framework for understanding how early experiences shape adult behaviour (1).
TA describes three ego states (1):
Parent - behaviours, beliefs, and messages learned from significant authority figures.
Adult – the rational, objective, and present-focused part of ourselves.
Child – feelings, beliefs, and coping responses developed during childhood.
When childhood messages become deeply embedded, they may continue to influence our communication long after the original circumstances have passed (2).
For example, an individual who repeatedly received the message "Don't make mistakes" may become highly self-critical as an adult. They may struggle with perfectionism, fear feedback, or avoid taking risks. Similar patterns are described within TA through concepts such as drivers and script beliefs (4). Someone who learned "Don't upset other people" may find it difficult to set boundaries, express disagreement, or communicate their own needs.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
These early messages can influence many aspects of adult relationships, including:
- Communication - People may avoid difficult conversations, suppress emotions, or struggle to express themselves openly.
- Boundaries - Some individuals find it challenging to say no or prioritise their own needs because they fear disappointing others.
- Conflict - Early experiences may shape how people respond to disagreement. Some become highly defensive, while others withdraw or avoid conflict altogether.
- Self-Worth - Childhood messages can affect confidence, self-esteem, and beliefs about personal value within relationships and workplaces (3).
Without awareness, these patterns can become automatic responses that continue to shape interactions with partners, colleagues, managers, friends, and family members.
Bringing Awareness to Communication Patterns
One of the strengths of Transactional Analysis is its focus on awareness and choice (2).
As adults, we are not limited to the messages we received during childhood. By recognising old patterns, we can begin to respond from the adult ego state rather than automatically reacting from past experiences (2).
The Adult ego state allows us to:
- Think clearly and objectively
- Evaluate situations in the present
- Communicate assertively
- Set healthy boundaries
- Make conscious decisions rather than automatic reactions
Developing awareness does not mean blaming parents or revisiting every childhood experience. Instead, it involves understanding how early learning may still influence present-day communication and relationships.
Moving Towards Healthier Communication
Healthy communication begins with self-awareness. By reflecting on the messages we received growing up, we can identify patterns that may no longer serve us and develop more balanced ways of relating to others.
Questions for reflection may include:
- What messages did I receive about emotions?
- How was conflict managed in my family?
- What did I learn about asking for help?
- How do I respond to criticism or feedback?
- Which childhood messages still influence my communication today?
Understanding these influences can support personal growth, stronger relationships, improved workplace communication, and greater emotional resilience.
Conclusion
Childhood experiences often leave lasting impressions on how we communicate, relate to others, and view ourselves. Through Transactional Analysis, we can better understand these patterns and recognise when old messages may be influencing present-day behaviour.
Awareness creates the opportunity for change. By strengthening our adult ego state, we can develop healthier communication, more balanced relationships, and greater freedom to respond to life as it is today rather than through the lens of past experiences.
We hope this article was helpful. For more information from Clear Thinking Minds, please visit their CPD Member Directory page. Alternatively, you can go to the CPD Industry Hubs for more articles, courses and events relevant to your Continuing Professional Development requirements.
References
(1) Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Penguin Books.
(2) Stewart, I. and Joines, V. (2012). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis. Lifespace Publishing.
(3) Harris, T. A. (1967). I'm OK – You're OK. Harper & Row.
(4) Kahler, T. (1975). Drivers: The Key to the Process Script. Transactional Analysis Journal.
